She was a tall, cool drink of water, sitting at the end of the bar, sipping her drinks like she meant it. Whiskey. Rocks. No water. I counted four, but she had been there all night, looking like she was waiting for someone to pick her up. Not your typical broad. This girl was smart and she could handle her liquor. Twelve different chumps tried their luck. Twelve different chumps walked away, looking like their first puppy just got run over by a garbage truck. Poor bastards didn't know what hit 'em. But I was different. I was lucky number 13.

Of all the seedy little gin joints in all the seedy little towns, she had to walk into mine. Well, technically, I walked into hers. But I wasn't there to play games. And I wasn't one of those poor fools who couldn't pick up a dame if she was in a box and he had a forklift. They were about as likely to get lucky with that dame as I was to win the lottery twice on a Tuesday.

Not one to lollygag, I walked right up to her, turned to the bartender and said "two whiskeys, rocks." Then I turned to her and said, "what's a broad like you doing in a place like this?" That was when I noticed her throat. Her adam's apple was twice as big as my thumb, and s/he had the hands to match it. Sasquatch doesn't have hands that big and hairy. She/he said, "hey stranger," with a voice deeper than James Earl Jones with laryngitis after a three day bender.

Now I don't know if it was the smoke-filled room, the dingy lighting, or the eight whiskeys, but he was the best looking woman in that bar. And once you make your move, there's no going back. Thank God we were in the Castro. This was going to take some more drinks.

But I wasn't in that bar to pick up on loose women or pretty men. I was there on the job. The AlphaBar crew hired me to investigate every bar in the city with an L in its name. Well, they might have asked me only to go to the ones that started with an L, but I'm as thorough as a TSA agent on a muslim when I'm on the job. So I hit them all. And Lucky 13 was the best bar in that wretched little town. The best looking men, the strongest women, and the cheapest beer.

So we'll be heading down to Lucky 13 this Wednesday, packing that place like a Justin Bieber concert in a pedophile colony. And that friendly gentleman with the pouty lips knew the bartender, so (s)he got us some damned fine drink specials. I personally will be drinking more whiskey than a tribe of Indians who just finished a death march. Here's looking at you kid.

Wednesday, November 9th @ 8PM
Lucky 13
2140 Market St
between Church St & Sanchez St

Pics are up from the Kozy Kar!

Had a turn out of around 120+! Good work guys!

AlphaBar is now on Twitter! Follow us here!

http://twitter.com/AlphaBarSF

Alright, alright, alright, alright.

What's goin' on AlphaBabes? Man, I've been looking forward to this alllll year. I'll tell you what, man, this is gonna be the best damn AlphaBar of the year. We're goin' to my favorite bar on the grooviest street in San Francisco. Kozy Kar, Baby. It's where it's at.

If you're like me, you've probably been there every night for the past two weeks, but if you haven't, hey man, it's cool. ...I won't get on your case just because you got some other bar you like. That's your journey, man. You don't have to come to Kozy Kar. If you don't like groovy tunes, righteous babes, and some far out bartenders servin' up a couple brews, that's cool, man. You don't have to come. But it'd be a lot cooler if you did, man.

If the owner's cool with it, we can turn on some funk, break out a couple joints and light up. Just make sure we keep a bouncer outside to watch for the fuzz. And speakin of fuzz, they've got some fuzzy walls, a kickin shag waterbed if you wanna get down with one of those aforementioned groovy chicks, and a dance floor with some sweet Playboy centerfold pictures. If that chick you're boogyin with isn't quite as hip as you though, bam, take a look at the floor. It's like dancin with an angel. But she's naked. And a picture.

Anyways, man, I just wanted to let you know the deal. We've been listening to you, man. You said there wasn't enough porn in your life. Boom. You said you needed more seventies and disco-themed bars on Wednesdays. Boom. You're welcome. You said you wanted AlphaBar to be at a dirty strip club with loose rules. Hey man, two out of three ain't bad, right?

Haha, anyways man. It's gonna be a great time. Better than that rager at the moon tower last week. I promise. And you know the best thing? The girls there tend to stay in a certain age group. I keep gettin' older, they stay the same age. Catch you on the flip side.

6PM START TIME THIS WEEK!!
http://districtsf.com/

Hey Girl,

...I know I promised you a date on Wednesday night, and you know your boy AlphaBar always comes through. But this Wednesday, it's not just a date at your typical marina bar. I'm not going to crush you at beer pong and flip cup, and I won't laugh and yell "I remember my first beer!" I won't ply you with tater tots that I throw from across the bar, so you don't have to worry about another ketchup stain on your American Apparel sweatshirt. And we won't be sharing three pitchers of rolling rock and twisty cheesy garlic sticks from Xtreme Pizza before you have to help me stumble back to my place down the block. I won't be fumbling with your buttons, trying to take your top off in between loud belches and incomprehensible mutterings. My roommate won't "accidentally" walk in on us, and I promise not to vomit on your discarded skirt.

This Wednesday night, girl, I'm treating you like the queen you are. First, I shall call my driver, or maybe I'll use that cool new app, Uber, and fetch a town car using my professional Android smartphone. I will pick you up, wearing a collared shirt and pants without holes in them. Then I shall whisk you away, to a part of the city you have never seen before, except when you pick me up from a 2-1 extra-inning Giants game because I drank too much. I will order us a bottle of the finest german riesling, and I shall feed you olives and prosciutto while we get drunk off the sweet nectar of the gods. Yeah girl, lick those lips. You know you love riesling.

We will relax on velour couches while elegantly dressed waiters and bartenders cater to your every desire. What's that sound? That's a man playing a spanish guitar. Spanish, girl. That's like a guitar with an accent. It's like we're in Europe. But I'm not taking you back to a dingy back-alley hostel with a bunch of creepy dutch guys playing techno this time. Naw, girl, it ain't even like that.

Kick your shoes off, and I shall give you the finest foot massage you have ever experienced. I will open up my ziploc of massage oil and... what's that? I can't do that in here? Oh, okay, sorry. I guess I got carried away. But just wait for tonight, girl.

Don't you just love how I treat you, girl? Taking you to elegant wine bars with 120 of our closest friends and associates? I will serve you the finest cheeses from the basque country in northern spain and regale you with poetry I have crafted just for you. We can pound a couple beers just to make sure we're tipsy enough. Then it's time to get it on. In the bathroom girl, cuz I know you get nasty when you're drunk.

After I love you slowly and softly for five minutes in San Francisco's finest bathroom stall, we can get back to the party, cuz you know AlphaBar has to keep it real. It's a date, girl, but I have to say what's up to my friends.

Fancy AlphaBar this week, kids.

District Lounge and Wine Bar
216 Townsend Street @ 3rd.
San Francisco

http://chugpub.com/
http://www.yelp.com/biz/chug-pub-san-francisco
$1 a drink goes to Roots International Academy in Oakland

***Specials***
...8-10PM $25 Chug Tower of Sierra Nevada
$30 Chug Tower of any beer
$6 PBR and a shot of Jager

Alphateam,

This week, we're at chug pub, home to some of the city's beer. Not only is it home to some of the city's beer, but you can get 3.5 towering liters of your beer of choice for $30 in a veritable "Tower of Beer." Apparently they frown on patrons using their beer towers for flip cup, but if we all work together, we might be able to change their minds.

Chug Pub is located in the ancient and venerable "next to Golden Gate Park" neighborhood, home to some of the city's most famous bums, miscreants, sluts, and arsonists. Other than that, we really didn't know much about Chug Pub before choosing it, so we did what most rational people do when they want to learn about something: surf the internet.

After about three hours of alternating between midget porn and facebook, we remembered that we had a google search to perform. Chug Pub. Of course, we were distracted by The Google's suggested searches of Chupacabra, Chuck Norris Jokes, and Chug Pughuahuas, but the actual search only took about half a second. Boom. Result number one was something called Yelp.com.

After another hour of midget porn and facebook, we finally clicked on that yelp link and, wow, do the Yelpese ever come through. We learned so much.

According to Yelper Brendan L., Chug Pub is "a local hang out especially for the guys in their mid 20's..... the place is kinda small...there is a bar and behind it a few tables and pool table....i think they should get rid of the pool table because I don't know how many times i have to get out of people's way when they are playing pool." So 20-something dudes and pool.

Jeffrey J. said: "Not enough credit goes to places that make sure their tables aren't wobbly. I have to say the tables are stable! The staff is friendly and inviting, the beer selection is decent, and the cocktails are pretty good."
Stable tables! Cocktails are pretty good!
In the words of Clarence A. (possibly moonlighting as @DRUNKHULK):
TV GOOD!!
POOL TABLE GOOD!!
NACHOS GOOD!!!
CHUG TOWER GOOD!!

So there's dudes and the venue, the food, and the beverages are good. What about the ladies?

Well, Rachelle P. basically answered that one for us:
"Get some more guys to come in here though because last time I was here it was a taco fest." God damn do I love tacos. And apparently there are not enough guys there to eat the tacos that the bar serves. We're coming Rachelle P. And, assuming you are as excited as your post suggests, drunk off the specials that "get me messed up on a budget!," you will be too. No promises on delivering anything that rivals your last experience when it was "almost dangerous because I don't really realize how hot it is until it's going down my throat." But I promise you, we will try.
I know what you're thinking: I've met Rachelle P. Believe me, she is not the person you want next to you when there is a full on taco fest staring you in the face. But guess what, we can confirm that Chug Pub also caters to the more proper ladies of the Outer Sunset/Golden Rape Park Corridor.

From Jillian M.:
"It's been brought to my attention that most of my reviews make me seem like a big drunky lush whore. I wish I could say this review would buck that trend, but alas, it does not. Oh well. If it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, I guess I enjoy vodka.
This place is legit. $4 vodka and club soda's, which means I can get relatively trashed for about $16.
It's also close enough to my house that I don't have to worry about navigating the bus system while intoxicated. Another big plus.
Nothing bad to say. Cute neighborhood hang out with a pool table, and sexy Asian bartenders for you boys. Enjoy."

If any of you were on the fence, get off. I don't care who you are, this is obviously the right place to spend next Wednesday night.
In the immortal words of Bill S.:
Thou might not be lovely as a summer's day,
It's true,
But there are things I cannot do to a summer's day,
That I would love to do to you.

Come to AlphaBar this week, and get something done to you.