AlphaBar: Y is for Yancy's Saloon
Wednesday, May 9th - 734 Irving St. - 8PM to Midnight
What up, AlphaBoooyyyyyyeeee!
I checked out our next spot for AlphaBar this week, Yancy's. It's pretty fucking scary.
When I showed up, it seemed like a normal enough
place from the outside. Then I noticed they call it a saloon, which was weird as fuck. Because this is not the wild west, and we don't live in the 1870's. I almost went back to my car to get a gun. And maybe a cowboy hat. But I resisted. Maybe the name was just for nostalgia.
When I got inside, I didn't know what the fuck to do. It's like a goddamned jungle in there. Hanging plants are everywhere, and they may or may not be poisonous and/or have the potential to snare you and crush you to death like in Jumanji. Either way, my advice is stay the fuck away from the killer plants. After you get past the initial shock of feeling like you're back in the jungle in 'Nam, with the Cong hiding somewhere in plain sight with their unreal-fucking camouflage, you notice the lamps with the stained glass, and you think, "holy shit, maybe this WAS a saloon, but it got overrun by weeds and now the fucking VC are using it as a hideout." That creeped me right the fuck out. Like this place is lost in time or some shit.
When I finally calmed down enough, keeping my head on a fucking swivel and looking out for Charlie, mind you, I sat down at the bar. I ordered a cheap beer and a decent whiskey, and was about to relax, when I noticed that they have some kind of crazy security monitor system going on. Here's the scary-insane part: they show you what's going on in the other rooms. And that shit is CRAZY. This one room was entirely made of ice, and there were all these huge dudes in some kind of armor running around on the ice, but they've got these crazy fucking knives on the bottom of their shoes and these wicked looking sticks and they're fucking floating above the ice, slamming into each other and trying to kill each other with sticks. I swear to god it was like some fucking ice version of thunderdome mixed with a gladiator fight from ancient Rome. Then there was another monitor with these huge guys passing some kind of bloated animal bladder around and jamming it into these two nets, beating the shit out of each other to get it. And those dudes could fucking fly! There was another one with two guys with some kind of plush handcuff thing on just going at it, trying to kill each other. It was unreal. I don't know who gets sentenced to those death matches, or why, but you can bet your ass I kept my head down and drank my booze. I don't want anyone watching me get murdered by some big scary motherfuckers on knife-shoes on ice. Fuck no.
Just when I thought shit couldn't get any weirder, I see these weird pieces of artwork on the wall, and some guys are throwing shit at them. They were like pretty sweet mandalas, with some kind of crazy clock writing on them, but with like twenty hours and no actual clock mechanism. So I walked over to check them out. As soon as I get there, I put my face up near one of the mandalas or dream catchers or whatever the fuck these things are, and motherfuckers start trying to kill me with little metal throwing arrows or ninja stars or some shit. I had to dive, then some guy starts yelling, and I just fucking ran, man. I got the fuck up out of dodge and I did not look the fuck back.
Now maybe this was a weird night at Yancy's, but my advice is this: keep your eyes open, order the cheap drinks, don't talk to anyone, and watch the fuck out for VCs and motherfuckers throwing metal shit. And I don't know where they had the screaming crowds and the deathmatches, but stay the fuck away from that. Then again, if you're looking for a ninja, VC, S&M torture, death match on television, creepy as fuck type of joint, get your ass to Yancy's you weird alcoholic psycho. Also, come there next Wednesday for AlphaBar!
